Happy Valentine's Day, kristories!!

[silentflux]

Title: Max Brooks Never Mentioned This!
Author: strifechaos
Written For: kristories
Fandom: Psych
Rating: PG
Pairing: Ensemble gen.

Summary: A doctor is missing, Gus's fears of eventual zombie invasion are reveals, and Shawn is convinced he's becoming one of the living dead.

Disclaimer: I don't own Psych, George Romero, Max Brooks (or his book), Resident Evil, Shaun of the Dead, Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean, Umbrella Corp., Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones, Grey's Anatomy, Inferi, T-virus or Solanum.



----------0-------------

"Shawn, Gus? What are you guys doing down here? Did the chief call you about the Marcus case?" Juliet asked, having looked up from her report to spot the two approaching her desk.


"Marcus case?" Gus asked leadingly, leaning his hip against the blonde's desk and exchanging a look with his partner.

"Yeah, a Doctor James Marcus was reported missing by his wife this morning. Apparently they were throwing a dinner party for some friends and he never showed up after work."


"That doesn't mean the man is missing, O'Hare." Carlton scowled, at his junior partner. He turned so that the two civilians shared in his frightening frowny expression. "Doctor Marcus probably had more important things to do at work than entertaining a bunch of morons that wouldn't know what to do if a gunman came at them with any kind of Smith & Wesson. Which any intelligent person would say is a hell of a lot more interesting a story than learning about Susan's husband's day at the bank."

All three of their eyebrows shot up towards their hairlines.

"Oookay. Awkward." Shawn shot a finger gun at Lassiter as he said it. His 'gun' started to shake and jitter until his finger was pointed straight at himself and went off.

"This guy didn't work at the Umbrella Corporation, did he?" Gus asked, voice jittery and eyes wide.

O'Hare looked puzzled but dutifully regarded her notes. "Uh no, actually he works at the hospital--what's the Umbrella Corporation?"

Shawn waved his hand. "Don't mind Gus, he's a silly fish scale when it comes to possible zombie invasions."

"It's not silly, Shawn! The zombie uprising isn't just a possibility it's an eventuality, and it's every citizen's duty to prepare for the infestation of the undead!"


----------0-------

"Did you see what McFreaky was serving up for his dinner party?" Shawn prompted, pointing his sundae spoon at his friend as they left the Marcus' house.

"I was a little more caught up trying to avoid getting arrested. Shawn--you said we'd been hired for the case!"

"Well . . . the Spirits may have gotten a little ahead of me there, but we will be. Especially after we tell the chief what I've just divined." Shawn scooped more ice cream into his spoon, concentrating on getting more pineapple on top of the ice cream.

Gus took a bite out of his ice cream, throwing Shawn a skeptical glance. "You found something?"

"Of course." Gus grimaced at the food in Shawn's mouth, the fake psychic swallowed a mouthful pineapple sundae before continuing. "Marcus is a zombie!"



-------------0------------



Shawn flailed his limbs madly, striking a pose with his arms straight out and parallel with the floor, his left knee was bent and his right foot was bent awkwardly against the ground.

"Mister Spencer, I don't know what you think you're doing but we don't have . . ."

Shawn shuffled toward Detective Lassiter, ignoring the pale man's irritated expression and digging his fingers through Lassiter's hair. Lassiter's face flashed from annoyance to fury in a heartbeat.

"SPENCER!" Lassiter hollered, he attempted ducked his head away but Shawn's fingers remain embedded.


"Braaaaainsssssssss!"

Lassiter's teeth were clenched together as he grit out a growly warning. "If you don't want to end up handless, Spencer, I suggest you stop touching me. Right. Now."

Shawn collapsed backward dramatically and would have fallen if Gus hadn't of swooped in and grabbed a hold of his best friend. The fake psychic wiped at his brow, letting out a gusty sigh and grinning up at the Chief.

"Well I'd say that makes another case solved thanks to my amazing psychic prowess! Make sure they make the check out to Max Brooks---"

"I'm afraid, Mister Spencer, that as entertaining as your little display has been you've yet to give us anything that will lead us to the resolution of the case. In fact, so far all you've done is waste this department's time." Vick scowled, folding her arms across her chest pointedly.

-------------0-----------------

"Jimmy Marcus' monkey bit me!"

Gus rolled his eyes at Shawn's scandalized tone.

"Shawn it did not! Besides, I told you not to touch that thing, it was in a cage for a reason!"

Shawn waved his arm at Gus, yanking up his sleeve to better show off his wound. There was a small semi-circle of red scratches.


"D'you think he broke the skin?" The fake psychic tried to turn his arms so that he could see forearm.

"..." Gus frowned.

"You'll kill me if I start showing signs of being the reanimated dead, right Gus?" Shawn asked as he poked at the red imprints left from the monkey's teeth, flinching back from the already fading pain from his forearm. "Gus?" His head shot up, eyes searching his best friend's. "Gus!"

"In a heartbeat."

------0-------

"So give it to me straight doc, it's the Solanum virus isn't it?"

"Solanum, son?" The doctor looked perplexed, looking back down at his chart as if he'd missed something.

"Don't tell me it's the T-Virus?" Shawn ignored Gus' hissing his name, and ala damsel in distress put the back of his hand to his forehead as if he was seconds away from swooning.

"Yes, I feel it coming on, the hunger it's all I can think about." With a kick of his leg, barely missing the doctor, Shawn lurched off the examining table, his arm grazing Gus's shoulder.

"Shawn!" Gus scolded.

"I'm sorry Gus, it's not me. You have to understand, it's the hunger--I . . .I must have . . . BRAINS!"

Gus looked unimpressed. "You've got part of that right."

"Son, you need to sit down." The doctor tried to coral Shawn back to the examination table.

Shawn whirled around to face the doctor. "Flesh!" He hollered before lunging.

The doctor caught him at the shoulders, gave him an unimpressed look and forced him to sit back down. He reached into his lab coat to slap a tube down on the table and glare when Shawn tried to grab his arm a second time.

"Right. Apply this twice daily for a week, and whatever you do . . .do not scratch at the bite. Or attack people." He added the last part with a glare as a nurse came in, a dubious expression on her face as she held out a bundle of gauze for the doctor to wrap Shawn's arm with.

Shawn sent her a winning smile and promised not to infect her, unduly.

--------0------------



As Shawn scratched at his bandaged wrist Gus slapped his hand away.

"Quit it, Shawn! You heard what the doctor said!"

"Never ingest purple people eaters and corn dogs on an empty stomach?"

"Don't scratch!"

Shawn shrugged, reaching down to sooth his itchy injury. "Well what can I say? I like to live life on the edge."

Gus rolled his eyes. "You'll be living your un-life on the 'edge' if you don't quit it!"


"Gus, don't be a grumpy gopher toe!" Again Gus swatted Shawn's hand away from the bandage.

"Where's the purpose of life if you aren't going to scratch the itches, to poke at sleeping bears, to wrestle hungry hungry alligators?"

"To irritate the undead into biting you and converting you to their disease ridden existence? And it's hippos."

Shawn paused, pointing a finger at Gus. "Hippos? That can't be right. Why would you want to wrestle with a hippo? Besides, that's discrimination!"

"Say what? I know you did not just say that to me."

"Intolerance of the undead, as if they have no feelings. Zombies are people too, Gus! It's not their fault they've become infected with the T-Virus."

"It was a monkey, not the undead--which you'll stop talking about before you anger them into attacking us."


Shawn held his hands up in surrender. "Whoa there buddy, chill. Ex-ai on the ombie-ai."

" So, d'you think he'd look like the one in the Johnny Depp movie?"

Gus scoffed, "Only in the moonlight."

"So now we know that Dr. Zombiefication wasn't at work and that he has a possibly zombie-monkey."


"Yeah, but why would Marcus go somewhere else, knowing he was supposed to be hosting a dinner party? That's just poor manners."

"Or a good survival instinct." Gus glared at Shawn. "Hey--I already apologized for missing your dinner party. You know I wouldn't have unless it was absolutely necessary!"

"Shawn you claimed the La Brea Tar Pits erupted and lava melted your car."

"And it was only in the nick of time that I was able to save the rest of LA.."

"That wasn't you, that was Tommy Lee Jones in 'Volcano'!"

-----------0----------

Juliet and Lassiter got out of their car and spotting the Psych duo approached. "You were rather vague on the phone, Shawn. What's this big break in the Marcus case?" She asked, brow furrowed.


Lassiter said, "I thought the Chief fired you from the Marcus case."

"Pshaw! We all know what a joker the Chief is!" Gus and Juliet gave him skeptical looks. Shawn cleared his throat and put a hand to his temple. "Besides, the progenitor of my virus is close! Closer than poor Kaylee Marcus thought!"

"Spencer, where are we?" Carlton demanded as Shawn lead them up the drive way of a two-story home but Shawn ignored him, sprinting up to the door. For the past fifteen minutes Gus and he had been parked in front of while they waited for the detectives to show up.

Shawn announced, "What Kaylee didn't mention about her dinner party was that her husband wasn't the only person not to show!"

"What are you talking about, Shawn?" Juliet said.

"The spirits aren't pleased, Doctor Marcus may not have been casting dark spells to create Inferi, but he was up to no good!" Shawn rattled at the door knocker and started repeatedly pushing the doorbell until Carlton grabbed a hold of his wrist and forced it down to his side.

The detective had opened his mouth to scold the fake-psychic but before he could the door swung open to reveal a redheaded woman.

"Oh, you're not the pizza boy." She frowned, confused why four people were at her door in the middle of the day.

"No, but it's recently been speculated about whether or not I've been infected by a zombie-monkey." Shawn said cheerfully, the woman recoiled.

"Is it the pizza boy, sugar buns?" A grey haired man stepped up behind her, wrapped in a too-short robe that was quite clearly not his own.

"Doctor Marcus!" Juliet gaped.

Shawn said. "Correct! Jimmy wasn't the only empty place setting at Kaylee Marcus' dinner party, her 'good' friend Nancy 'Sugar buns' McCree was also missing."

He pointed at Doctor Marcus. "While Kaylee threw a dinner party, her husband and best friend saw it as their chance to heat up the sheets, ala Grey's Anatomy."

Juliet gasped but Carlton just nodded. "No he's right, everyone sleeps together on that show."

Gus bumped fists with Shawn. "You know that's right."

"Excuse me, just what do you think you people are doing at my house?" Nancy 'Sugar buns' McCree demanded.

"We're only here to let Shaun of the Dead here know that his wife filled out a missing person's report on him."

"She's what?!" Marcus looked dumbfounded.

"You might want to call home, Doctor Marcus." Gus suggested, eyebrow cocked.

----------0----------

"I can't believe the Chief wouldn't cover my medical expenses for the Marcus case, clearly I was injured in the line of duty!" Shawn tossed the toy basketball in the air and leaned back in his desk chair.


"I'm just glad we got paid at all considering James Marcus wasn't really missing." Gus said pointedly, going through the mail for the office.

Shawn shrugged.

The bell above the office door chimed and a delivery man stood there, large cardboard box in his arms.

"Hey, I've got a delivery for a Mr. George Romero."

"I think you've got the wrong address." Gus said.

"Great, they're here!" Shawn grinned, bouncing over to the delivery man and giving him his signature. Gus stood up and walked over just in time to see the pile of books inside the box. He leaned down and snagged a copy, reading the title out loud. "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From The Living Dead. Shawn, what is the meaning of this?"

"You've said it yourself, buddy, you can never be too prepared for the zombie infestation."

"True, but why did you buy fifteen copies of the same book?"

"Technically, twenty-one copies and I didn't buy them. Oh and in a completely different matter, you left your Mastercard at your desk the other day." Gus growled and snapped up the receipt that was nestled in the box with the books.

"Not very safe, anyone could just scoop it up, guess that you'd use your favorite four-digit number for your pin and buy whatever they please." The last word was muffled as Shawn pulled the door to the office close behind him.

"Shawn!"

-------0--------

The End.

Comments

[kristories.livejournal.com]

"Technically, twenty-one copies and I didn't buy them. Oh and in a completely different matter, you left your Mastercard at your desk the other day." Gus growled and snapped up the receipt that was nestled in the box with the books.

Awesome! So completely Shawn and Gus. Thank you so much :D

[strifechaos.livejournal.com]

I'm psyched that you liked it, I had a blast playing with these guys. <3

[hawk-dancing.livejournal.com]

I'm without words. ::still snickering::

[strifechaos.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you! I had fun playing with the Psych boys.